This past month has been full of challenges and changes for many. Personally, it’s been a period of time that has been really tough, for me, my children and partner. As an adult going through a major life change (divorce) it is tough to try and balance emotions, energy and decision making. The hardest hurdle has been one of fear. Fear of how my decisions effect my family, friends and myself. Am I making the best choices? How will my children benefit or suffer? How will my choices effect my current relationship? Job? Living and financial situations? The stress level has been beyond what I could have imagined. It has taken its toll both mentally, emotionally and physically. There isn’t enough hair color in the world to cover up the grey! The fear has been debilitating at times. I have struggled to find the joy. I have questioned the faith that I have in the Universe and myself. It has been really tough to see the light. The light has always been there, just hard to see through the fear and questioning. The light has always been there I just couldn’t see it.
My living situation has changed drastically and with that a new routine has come about. My mornings before were pretty standard. Get up, make sure my girls are up, fed and out the door to catch the school bus. There was usually a spat or two, hurried gathering of backpacks musical instruments, a quick I love you and out the door. It was cold and stressed to say the least. But now a different scenario has emerged. With our move we now have to get up earlier and each girl needs to be driven to their designated school, then myself work. At first I was dreading this new routine. Less sleep, more driving and probably more stress. The first day did not disappoint. There was missed breakfast, lost jacket and unpacked lunch bags. A lecture by me to the girls on “getting it together” in a timely manner was the topic for the drive. Needless to say I wasn’t happy about how things went and tears were falling by the time each girl was dropped off and I walked into work late.
How were we going to do this? This move was quickly looking like a huge mistake. What was I thinking making my girls a part of this process? How were we going to get through this?
My partner, Chris, said…..”Find the joy”. What joy? “Find it in a cup of coffee.”
Day 2. Out the door on time. First kid drop-off on time. Second kid suggests that we go for to Starbucks before her drop off. I looked at the time, struggled to see how I could get her across town, drop her off and get to work. My mind said….No way, my intuition said do it.
Five minutes later I am sitting across my 15 year old with a cup of coffee in front of me.
And there it was. Joy in a cup of coffee and the eyes of my child. It dawned on me that I had never actually experienced this with her. She talked and I listened. And as she talked I looked at her. My first child. My first baby whom I have felt a distance over the past few years. My baby who had become the beautiful, intelligent and passionate young woman sitting across from me. How her face has changed, how her giggle has turned into a wondrously full laugh. How her Soul spoke through her blue-jean colored eyes. None of this have I had the time or ability to see in the past year. None of this did our past routine allow. I didn’t care if she was going to be late…I was there, in that space with my child.
The Joy? It was in the forced change of our routine. The Universe had not given me what I can handle but what I truly needed. Now I look forward to getting up early and spending time in the car with my girls. We laugh, sing and plan out our day together. We allow this joy into our day.
The doubt, fear and stress brought about by life changes can filter out and hide the opportunity and joy that is there. Having faith in ourselves, in our Spirit and God is hard but essential in all of our life experiences. The fear is tough. It’s nasty and it feels like it won’t let go sometimes. But, if we can just give over to the mere suggestion that there is Joy surrounding us, enveloping us. It is there, we just need to take a step out of our routine, a little jump into the space of possible joy. Knowing that the world will not stop, there will be no real harm done. We may, every day find ourselves with…..
Joy in a cup of coffee a child’s eyes.