A Trip Through the Dark Night: Part 1

November 2, 2015

 Finally, everything seems to be moving along, joyfully and carefree.  You are seeing the accomplishments that you have been working toward, come to fruition.  Then, you’re not even aware of it first, as a matter of fact, I’m not even sure when it began with me, it creeps in.  The feeling of separation, you don’t fit in where you once belonged.  The feelings of just hanging on, going through the motions.  You’re totally alone and can’t explain the pain, fear and displacement that you are experiencing.  The Dark Night of the Soul.  You’re in it.  You don’t know how or why, but you know that there has been some sort of change working in the background of your daily life.  At one or more times in our lives we experience this shift as our Souls expand, contract and then expand again.

 

You can’t fit in.  I, like most of you, thought I had worked through the childhood pains of not fitting in.  You know, being called those nasty names such as Niagara Falls (If you looked at me wrong I would cry uncontrollably), Brace-face (thankyou Mom and Dad…no really Thank you!) or other truly hurtful, yet creative, words of torture that children can come up with.  I got beyond them, I understood that while names COULD hurt me, they could only hurt me so much as I let them…until, hopefully, I couldn’t even hear them anymore. 

 

So, you are going along, enjoying the friendships that you have culled around you, then, it happens.  The words start stinging again.  Not taunts or name calling, but accusations, beliefs about you that you can’t comprehend.  You stand there with your mouth agape, staring at the shit that is being tossed at you.  First you duck and dive out of the way, thinking that you are making it up that and this can’t possibly be coming at you.  But then it happens from all sides, people that you know, situations that don’t even have your finger in it.  It’s unreal.  The world around you seems to have gone bat-shit-crazy and you’re the target.  It’s the schoolyard all over again.  You’re being chased around the playground, desperately looking for a way out or a corner or swing that you can retreat to so that you can just be alone.  You try screaming and crying as you run, looking for someone who will listen to you. That someone will get the pain and anger or who will understand that you’re the victim and need to be saved.  But no one hears you or doesn’t seem to understand what you’re crying about.  It gets so bad that you don’t want to even check your emails or texts for fear of what they may hold.  It’s fucking exhausting!!

 

Hanging on…It’s all you can do.  You’re stuck in this mud pile of everyone else’s shit.  It stinks, it’s not yours, but you just sit in it anyway.  Soon the pity party has passed and you decide that if you can hide, not wallow, but just hide and cover your head, soon the rain will come and wash it all away.  Then you can emerge clean and, while still bruised, able to continue on.  As you wait for the rain, you start to feel as if the mud pile is  hardening and you may get cemented in.  You look around and see that some, not all, but some of this mud is actually yours.  It’s some of the old garbage that you carried around you.  It has bubbled up from the deep, it has risen again.  You can’t believe it.  You thought that you had already healed from these experiences, moved on, grown.  But no, there it is.  Then you panic…and you remember.  Where is G-d in all of this?  Why aren’t your Angels, Spirit and the All-mighty coming in and helping you?  You’ve been forsaken, you start getting all biblical on yourself.  You have sinned…you have done something wrong.  You bow your head and start to pray, really pray.  You start going directly to the source.  Never mind Arch Angel Michael or your Guides, they can’t help you now.  As a matter of fact you’re not even sure if they exist as that you’re cries don’t seem to summon them anymore.  So you go directly to the Big Guy.  You hope that you haven’t screwed up so much that you won’t be heard.  Every belief that you have grown into comes into doubt.  Keep it simple, stupid, you are totally alone in all of this.  So, you go inside.

 

You ARE totally alone in this.  It’s Midnight and you are in the dark and alone.  Yes, you are energy and connected and loved and blah, blah, blah.  But the fact is you are alone.  It’s you that has gotten in the way, or out of your way.  It is you that needs to go within.  Instead of praying ever up and out, you bow your head and try to truly connect with your Soul.  That beautiful vortex that resides in your gut passed your intuition and right to your light.  It’s hard to reconcile that all of the work you have done may not be enough.  You see now that you truly do need help.  Help from G-d and anyone else who can hear you.  You have humbled and decide to just shut down.  Whatever happens, you will willingly take it.  You’re done and you’re giving up.  You’re not giving up on your life (as in Depression – that’s an entirely different thing) but you are giving up, giving in and giving over. 

 

Then it happens, just as you feel that you will be living a life as a Hermit, the Light comes.  Synchronicity drops down her loving light.  The right people literally walk in to your life.  For me, some amazing healers heard my call….saw that my light was shimmering with a different glow.  And it starts with just one.  An amazing woman, Gina showed up just as I was thinking of her.  I literally ran into her.  As she opened her mouth to ask how I had been, I puked it all out.  I told her all that I had been through.  All that had happened and all that had been lost.  She smiled and said, “OH, dear, you are going through a Dark Night of the Soul”.  Just like that it made sense.  I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant, but it rippled through me and I began to see the truth around everything.  She gave me a hug and said that she understood and that she wished that others, especially other Light workers could be more understanding and cheer on the process instead of mock or blame.  That was the support, the hand coming down from G-d that I had waited and called out for.  G-d was listening.  It was then that I began to hear Spirit again, the glorious Angels and steadfast Guides.  All the beautiful layers of the Universal Source.  I felt the connections again.  I felt safe and loved and heard.  It wasn’t about being vindicated; it was simply about being heard and understood.

 

You have seen the light, yet you feel a little numb and life seems to be passing you by.  Others are still going through their experiences, good and bad, but you’re not a part of it and you are truly okay.  You observe with indifference.  You can be happy and empathetic for others but it really doesn’t affect you and you are, thankfully, okay with this.  It’s nice and comfortable here in the Dark night.  You have made friends with it.  You begin to understand that feeling separated is actually a nice place to be.  You welcome being an observer and start to see the Light in others.  How they fit into the cosmic puzzle.  There is still a separation, but the feeling is less numb and more settled.  This is where the peace comes.

 

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