They're not Buying what you're Selling: Chasing Friendships
Over the past few years one of the Themes of the life troubles of my client’s is clearing “house” and releasing relationships that aren’t serving them anymore or are just downright toxic. I’ve done it, begrudgingly. It’s not easy. You’ve known someone for years, they know everything about you…you picture them being in your life as the years go by. BUT, when YOU are the one being released or overlooked, it’s a whole different ball of wax.
A friend of mine and I used to joke that when we were in our late 70’s we’d be sitting on a beach in Miami with wild hair, bright red lipstick smattered all over our wrinkled lips, boobs hanging down to our stomachs. We would be drinking Margaritas served by our own darling Cabaña boys that would smile as we pinched their behinds…. We would laugh and laugh about this. I would see it….I mean really see the scene and it made me happy knowing that I had found a friend who was closer to me than my own estranged sister. Then I and a few other friends called her out on her eating disorder and I was out… Never a reason why, never a chance to explain…just out.
There have been other women with whom I wanted to have deep connected friendships with. Some have stuck. Some have manifested only to dematerialize overnight. Others, no matter how hard I’ve tried, have never come to fruition. I was always trying to add more to my base, to be like other women who had many and long lasting relationships. I didn’t understand what I could have done…why didn’t they like me? I’m not a bad person, I’m fun, crazy, outgoing, brandish, no-nonsense and loyal to a fault. What could be better? I would LOVE to have me as a friend. I just didn’t get it.
While walking around Lake Harriet one morning, one of my oldest friends told me, “Kayla, they’re just not buying what you are selling”. Huh? “Are you calling me a phony? I’m not SELLING anything! I’m just being me!” I spit back at her. “Listen Kayla, it’s just like when I’m out selling my equipment…some stores don’t want to buy what I have. I can go back to them 2, 3 or 20 times and give them the same pitch that I give others that are my biggest clients. I know that I could increase their sales, but they just aren’t buying what I’m selling. Someone else could come in and sell that same equipment, with the same pitch and buy it from them. It’s me, not the stuff. So, same goes here. Some people just aren’t buying what you are selling. They don’t want it from you they want it from someone else. GOOD! I don’t want those customers, they will be the biggest pain in the asses and I’ll have to work twice as hard with them and will never be up to their standards. They will always make me have to work harder and harder for their business”.
Once I got over the shock that she was comparing me to kitchen equipment I understood and felt how this was true. There are millions and millions of people out there. Why were these few so important? Why would I want to waste their time and mine trying to develop a friendship that wouldn’t be fulfilling, close and dependable as the ones I already did have? I needed to understand that the energy that I was putting after this was like chasing a bet that didn’t work, putting good money after bad. Even if it did happen, I would always be wondering if I was REALLY a friend to them or just someone to call when the others are buys. This ah-ha moment was really releasing. I could actually feel the energy that I was sending out…searching, come back to me. It was uplifting.
I also started understanding how some where buying what I was selling but not in the way that I wanted and trying to sell me something that I didn’t want. There was one woman who, while very nice was becoming a little clingy in some ways that made me uncomfortable. Showing up in other states at shows, classes that had already been taken, etc…One time was with her daughter whom she introduced me as the “Foul Mouthed-Psychic”. Not by my name, but as that woman who swears a lot when she is working. Yikes! It took me back and really pissed me off. Here someone who had a slightly unhealthy attraction to me (and a few others) who thought of me like this, yet still wanted to be my friend. I wasn’t buying what she was selling. It made sense. I saw the other side of the coin.
I make decisions who and who will not be a friend and I have to understand that others have the same power and right to choose with whom they want to invest their energies. If it’s not a fit, it’s not a fit. It’s like buying a pair of super cute shoes, even though you know that they are going to kill your feet. You wear them once, maybe a few time more and then they end up on the floor in the back of your closet. You always feel your best in the comfortable ones at the front.